transgender, Uncategorized

I Can Feel Again

For the past few years, I had become pretty walled-off emotionally. Things like love, passion, sadness (of the real, profound variety), felt like alien ideas to me. When I watched a couple interact in a moment meant just for them, I couldn’t compute what that could feel like.

I believe that all changed on Saturday night.

I was casually doing my makeup in my bathroom, getting ready for a show in San Francisco. As a lot of girls tend to do, they have music playing in the background. I was grooving along to New Order’s new album Music Complete (what can I say, I’m a child of the 80s). “Superheated”, their duet with Brandon Flowers of the Killers, starts to play.

As I’m listening, I’m suddenly struck with this wave of emotion. Something about that song hit a nerve. I was overcome with what was almost a spiritual connection to it. I was moved to near-tears…so much so that I had to stop putting my face on to collect myself. Once I managed to avoid a Kim Kardashian-style sob-fest, I looked at the woman staring back at me in the mirror and said “Wow. I can feel again.”

By all accounts, I could be hyperbolizing a mood swing. I choose not to see it that way. For me, it was a moment I’m going to remember for a long time – the moment where, for the first time in a long time, I can genuinely say I had a profound emotional reaction to something.

It felt really good.

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