Lately, I’ve had a few conversations with people, unconnected in any way other than knowing me. Somehow, the conversations found their way to one question – one that nagged at me a bit.
That question: would I, could I have transitioned earlier on in life?
Sure. It’s something that, looking back, I would’ve loved to do. The amount of peace and happiness this experience has brought me comes with a slight twinge of regret. Could my younger years have been happier, clearer, less destructive living as my authentic self? Maybe. It also goes without saying that seeing transgender people who transitioned early in their lives brings about a little envy. I sometimes wonder “what if…”
Once I finish indulging myself, though, I take a step back and look at my own history. I see the steps I’ve taken to get here. It dawns on me (and still humbles me) that there is a very good reason it took this long to be able to start this phase of my life. That reason? I wasn’t ready until now.
While I acknowledge dealing with dysphoria my whole life, there were other things making me unhappy. I was overweight. I drank too much. My career had hit a stall. I made the best of it (I made some incredible friends) but transitioning, at that point, would’ve only complicated things. It took overcoming all those things (never mind moving to a new city), and building something close to an emotional center to even be in the right place to consider such an undertaking.
With all this in mind, I look at where I am now. I see the multitude of people my life, all of whom have voiced their support for living as I want to…as I need to. I look at how far I’ve come in such a small time frame, and I mostly think about the heightened quality of life I hope to enjoy now that I’m truly myself.
Ultimately, while I didn’t get to live out my early years as Alexia, the years I have ahead of me will be much happier, healthier and full of life. That’s what’s this is all about.
Good night, friends.