coming-out-to-family, transgender

This Is The Day. This Is The Hour. This is…THIS!

This weekend will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult of my transition, and likely my entire life.

In just a few hours, I will be boarding a flight back home. The purpose of my trip? To finally talk to my father about my transgender status and my transition. I am a nervous wreck, to put it mildly. I’ve replayed every possible negative scenario out in my head, and I’ve shed more than a few tears already.

I will thankfully have two very caring people by my side – my brother and his girlfriend, both of whom have been incredibly supportive of me. However, part of the tension comes out of trying to anticipate his reaction, good, bad or indifferent. I keep swinging back and forth between wanting the support I’ve come to see consistently among the friends and few family members, and simply asking for him to respect my decision and to remember that none of this means I’ll ever stop loving him. I’m also having a hard time dealing with the possibility that all of my accomplishments in life will suddenly become meaningless to him and I’ll be seen as nothing more than a freak or an outcast, one that will bring shame to the family.

However, through any and all of the possible scenarios that could play out, nothing changes (aside from the fact that I’ll be completely out to everyone in my life).  I’ll hit 6 months of HRT on Tuesday. My name & gender marker change are legal and binding in less than 3 weeks. This isn’t happening, in the sense that it’s something I can be convinced out of with enough pleading – this is a done deal.

As a reminder of that, I only need to do one thing – look in the mirror. In front of me is the woman I’ve struggled and fought my entire life to become…

me-theater
This is me, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

…and no one, not my father, not a relative or stranger, not anyone can or will ever take that from me.

PS – If you know the artist who’s album I referenced in the title of this post, chances are the late 80s and early 90s were awesome for you.

 

coming-out-to-family, transgender

Just One More.

Lately, I’ve felt like it’s gotten a lot easier to tell people about my transition. Friends from my hometown, acquaintances…the emotion that came bubbling up to the surface has settled a bit when I share my story. For the most part, I’ve told everyone in my life that I felt needed to know, except for one person.

That person? My father.

I intentionally left him last, among my loves ones, to share my news with, for obvious reasons. Who knows how he’ll react? Never mind whether he accepts it or not, I’m more concerned about his physical health. He doesn’t take big news well. An uncle passed away unexpected last year, and the shock sent my dear old dad to the ER until his blood pressure came down. Worst case scenario, if he decides to disown me entirely but the news doesn’t send him to the hospital, I consider that a win.

However, I’m hoping he sees something. Not just that I’m taking the steps to become the gender I was supposed to be born as. Not that I’m still his kid. I sincerely wish he’ll see how much more at peace I am. If he can just see and understand that life makes way more sense to me now, and could talk to my friends & loved ones to hear the stories about how much happier I am, that’s all I can hope for.

The rest…is up to him.

coming-out-to-family, transgender

Holiday Milestones (Pt. 1)

Hi friends!

This has been a Christmas to remember. The steps forward I’ve taken have been monumental, and have me feeling more confident in my journey than I ever have. However, I could not have done this alone. I had the help of my loved ones (both friends and family) to guide me.

footsteps-in-sand
“Do you know why there was only one set of footprints?” “Sandpeople always ride single file, to hide their numbers.”

For starters, I talked to my brother about my transition. Let me repeat that: I TALKED TO MY BROTHER ABOUT MY TRANSITION!!!! After a missed opportunity to speak to him in person (thanks for the flight delay, Southwest), I decided to take the leap and tell him…via text message. I know, he deserved better. It’s how I did it, though. Needless to say, it was a real shock to him, for a lot of reasons. Of course, he had to come to terms with the fact that he’d have a sister instead of a big brother. Lord knows what else was going on in his head.

After we finished talking, my worst fear was his telling my father. At this point, I was in a foreign country surrounded by my father and his family celebrating the holidays. I was a ball of nerves. I had to hide out in the restroom a few times to hold back tears. I almost choked up saying my piece during grace.

This is where my support structure (my friends & my amazing boyfriend) came into play. They had no need to, and surely they all had holiday merriment of their own to enjoy, but they spent the time to talk to me via text and Facebook to keep me calm & assure me I had done the right thing. They all claimed everything would be alright. In my state, that was easier to hear than believe but I agreed as best I could.

As the hours faded into the night and the rain came down, my worst fears…never materialized. We hugged each other & said “Feliz Navidad”. I was slowly calming down. Of course, as I arrived at my friend’s place to settle in for the night, the weight of the world came off my shoulders. It was a relief I had never felt before.

The next morning, I slept in. I hadn’t even had my coffee yet when I decided to check my phone. Awaiting me was a text message I never thought I’d ever read:

“I’m behind you on your decision. It’s a hard one to make but whatever you do, I’ll be with you.”

All the feels, everyone. I felt all of them.

The next few days were a continuing dialogue about any questions he had. My new name, what I looked like, who I had told, what to expect, etc. However, a curious thing had happened. We started talking again like we used to. It’s like some block that stopped us from talking as often as we did was lifted. It’s been a welcome return to form for my brother & I.

As I wrap up this post, I’d like to acknowledge my brother should be reading this. This will be tough for you, and I understand that. It’s tough for me too. I’ve never been happier, though, and I think you see & hear that. Nothing changes the fact that I love you, little brother, and always will (as tough on you as I may be sometimes).

Stay tuned for Pt.2 of my Holiday Milestones series. So much more to share…